I write this post with somewhat of a heavy heart. I hate calling Wolfie out when he manages to upset me, and yet, something compels me to write about it. You see, in our journey, I realise that as an inexperienced Dominant, he makes a number of “rookie” mistakes. If he is making rookie mistakes, who else is making them? I want to help him and help him grow, but I want to help you, my readers and followers, as well and at the same time. The only way that I can help you all collectively (and without repeating myself, which would annoy the hell out of me) is probably to write something on my blog.
Yesterday, Wolfie and I messed around while he was working the weekend shift. Being the brat that I can be, I teased him and said that I was going to go masturbate because he kept teasing me.
Knock yourself out.
Knock myself out? What? Really? I recoiled a little bit on the bed. We’d been laughing and joking all day and play time seemed almost certain, and now.. this.
I was hurt, deeply.
I was more than sad, he’d so clearly and blatantly disregarded my needs, desires and feelings.
To be honest, I don’t think for one moment that Wolfie meant to hurt me, that just isn’t in his nature. In fact, when he got home, Wolfie even realised that what he said could have easily been misconstrued, and he profusely apologised to me.
And deep down inside, I don’t think anyone intends to hurt anyone they care about, not really.
Which is why this post is really aimed at the more inexperienced, “newbie” Doms. You see? I want to help more than Wolfie get past his little faux pas. I want to help you all, at the same time. And hopefully, in doing so, I can also do him proud.
Here’s hoping 🙂
In BDSM, the media creates a perception that the Dominant is the boss, the Dominant has the power and the Dominant has all of the control. This is not true. While many people would argue that the submissive has the control, I argue that the control is split, with both parties able to agree to what happens, and both parties able to decide the future of the relationship that they are in.
In a BDSM relationship, both parties need to be able to decide whether they wish to remain in the relationship or not. Even in spite of the terms that we use, nobody “owns” anyone, not really. If you want to get up and walk away, you are completely free to do so, legally. Even if we have “BDSM Contracts”, they aren’t legally binding in a court of law, like a marriage certificate would be.
When people talk about submissives, they imagine someone meek and obedient, because that’s generally what being submissive means to be. However, many submissives are not nearly so gentle and mild-mattered away from the Dominants that they are involved with, or away from being the submissives that they desire to be.
Thirteen years of experience has taught me that your typical submissive is the very last person you would expect to want to be calm and complacent. They are your leaders, politicians, judges, doctors and policemen. They are quite often also your Mums and Dads who spend hours of the day cleaning up messes and wiping dirty bottoms.
They are decision makers. Not someone you would expect to want to be on their knees.
I myself am a “domestic CEO” (call me a housewife, I dare you). My job is so much more than hoovering floors and washing dishes, it involves making decisions about what meals to cook, and when. It involves coordinating appointments, family get togethers, communicating messages, completing or facilitating repairs and all of the domestic duties, all while Wolfie is away working in the office.
In our day to day roles, submissives are typically exceptionally strong, powerful, capable people with their own agency. At the end of the day, we choose to give over that power to you, our Dominant partners.
Isn’t that worthy of respect?
Let us be clear about something here,
A submissive could, of their own choosing, pick any available person to be their Dominant. There are even Dominants with more than one submissive, because their submissives feel that they best care for them, and so they earn their submission.
A submissive needs to deem you as worthy of serving, just as you should regard your submissive worthy of serving you, as worthy of representing you. This is the power exchange, and without it, a BDSM dynamic cannot exist.
I may be a “cheeky little shit” (it’s affectionately coined, I promise) but I try to be the best that I can be for Wolfie, because not only did I choose him, but he accepted me, and I’m honoured, truly.
He could have cast me off as being rude, disrespectful and opinionated if he had a mind to. Now, he knows that I can and will throw down the gauntlet, but for the most part he likes that about me. I challenge him, I just haven’t suceeded in outdoing him (yet 😉 ) .
When you choose a submissive partner, you need to be absolutely sure that you respect them as a person. Do not objectify them because they have a big dick or a nice chest – they are a complete person. They are a person with thoughts, feelings, experiences and opinions They are a person that can bring far more to your life than just in your dungeon or bedroom, if you let them. They are a person who can serve you and make you proud in ways you had never considered before if you take the time to get to know your submissive in full.
Remember, in a BDSM dynamic, both of you have wants and needs. Both of you have the right to decide how you will play, when you will play or if you will play at all. Listen to your partner’s needs as you would want them to listen to yours, and if you find that you don’t have the time or interest in respecting your submissive, maybe you aren’t cut out for them, after all.
Stay safe, and remember, respect is both given and earned.
Stay well, folks.
PS. For the record, I’m not going into what did or did not happen yesterday after we talked, but I have been able to focus enough to write this post in little over an hour.
PPS. I think the neighbours know, though 😉