What Is A "Proper Dom"?

Photo by Ruthson Zimmerman on Unsplash

Hello lovelies,

Welcome to today’s slightly satirical post where we’ll be answering the question, what exactly is “proper Dom” style? It’s a question that’s been baffling me!

Are you ready? Then let’s get stuck right in!

On Friday, I popped on the anonymous post app, Whisper, to wish everyone in the BDSMfriends group a very happy International Fetish Day. As often happens on Whisper I ended up with a few messages from guys, including one from not too far away.

The more we chatted, the more we got along, or so I thought. The more we chatted, the more we seemed to be on similar wavelengths and we discussed the possibility of meeting up at some point for some drinks and a few games of pool, with the possibility of some playtime with our respective partners, another time. All seemed to go pretty well until he referred to himself as being ‘proper Dom style’, which led me to wonder, what exactly IS “proper Dom” style?

Is it a nice Dom, a kind Dom? Surely the sadists among wouldn’t want to be seen that way?

Perhaps they’re cruel and relentless? Those poor, kind Daddies and Mommies.

What exactly is a proper Dom? In my nearly fourteen years of experience, I’m still clueless as to the definition!

Trusting My Gut

My first indication that something was wrong was , of course, his insistence that he is a ‘proper Dom’. I’ve only ever met a few similar breeds before, the Super Dom and Uber Dom. The breeds are strikingly similar with few variations in between and should be approached with caution. They are disillusioned and unpredictable creatures that believe themselves to be a superior species.

My second warning came when he started the asterisk-action business. Fair play to all roleplayers among, but starting some kinky roleplay without permission (and within less than 24 hours of knowing each other) should have raised some big red flags. When he *gets out the whip* it was time for me to *gets the heck out of here*.

My final indication should have been when he said “why do I feel like your the kind of sub who wakes their Dom with a blowjob after a good session?”. Well, that I may be, but he was a long, long, long way from being even remotely close to Blowjob Territory. The fact that he was talking about blowjobs so soon was the kind of offence for which I normally block and delete, but somehow, he managed to slip the net.

During my shower yesterday, those red flags started falling in. The more I thought about it, and him, the faster they came. For whatever reason, I saw a map in my mind with red, flag-shaped map pins. At first, just one or two came in, the fact that he hadn’t responded and the fact he talked about blowjobs so soon. Then they came faster and faster, the fact he talked about whipping me and the fact that he psychoanalysed me. Eventually, they were relentless. Enough! I didn’t want to play with him!

But that still leaves my ultimate question: What is a proper Dom?!

Part of answering that question came from thinking about all of the Dominants I’ve ever met. What was it about them that made them… well.. Dominant. It was so much more than just a label that they decided for themselves.

So, What Makes A Proper Dom?

Aftern my shower, I sat down with a pen and paper and made a list of eight qualities that I see time and time again in Dominants. Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list, but some of the most common traits that I’ve seen.


For whatever reason, a true Dominant is trustworthy. Whether it’s to be somewhere when they say they will, to organise an activity or to be someone that you can be open and vulnerable with and without fear or judgement, true Dominants demonstrate time and time again that they are trustworthy. 


True Dominants don’t lie to create a better image of themselves, or to deceive their partners to get a better deal for themselves. They are honest about who they are, what they have or don’t have and what they can or can’t do, which brings me to my next point…


A true Dominant won’t hide the painful bits from you. They’re real people, with real problems and real sad stories, just like anyone else. In a D/s relationship, a true Dominant won’t hide anything from you. Even if you don’t see each other regularly, you’re still regular people with regular lives. Sometimes being open and honest with each other also helps you to help each other as close friends or partners, regardless of your dynamic.


A true Dominant respects all submissives as people first, always. Even those they own are still treated as regular people outside of sessions. Even within sessions, a true Dominant will always, always stay within the boundaries and knows that a BDSM session is about the submissive’s enjoyment and pleasure, as well as their own. 

Willing To Learn

A true Dominant knows that they don’t know everything, but they are willing to learn for the betterment of the relationship. Whether it’s learning their knots, researching rules or finding ideas for that kinky fantasy, a true Dominant knows that they don’t (and can’t) know it all, and there is always something more for them to learn.


Similar to above, a true Dominant does not claim to be anything more than human. They know that they are mortal and imperfect, and that they too will make mistakes. They know that outside the dungeon they are still regular people who normally have superiors in management, and so they don’t carry any form of god complex. In a bizarre way, a little bit of humility is part of what makes even the best Dominants incredibly attractive.


A true Dominant does not take submission lightly. They value the time and commitment of their submissive partners deeply and take the responsibility of caring for them very seriously. If a Dominant is a bit flippant about a submissive’s needs, they might not be a ‘proper Dom’ after all.


A true Dominant knows that no two days are the same, no two submissives are the same and so the outcome won’t always be the same. A true Dom knows when a funishment is warranted and when a punishment is called for. They respect the wants, needs and desires of their submissive and tailor their training to suit them. If a submissive has a low pain threshold, for example, a true Dominant won’t spank them, regardless.


As it was, the air went silent at 1:35am and I’ve had no communication ever since. He hasn’t appeared online at all, which gives me fair reason to suspect that he has probably blocked me, I didn’t think much of it at first, but as the day went on and I’d heard nothing more, I realised that he’d probably had a change of heart. Frustrated but not at all saddened, I hit block and delete myself and then had the Irish cream and Maltesers that he refused me on Saturday then concluded my Sunday by thanking my husband with the messy blowjob that the ‘proper Dom’ wanted – because frankly, in my eyes, it’s only the truly proper Doms that warrant them in the first place. 

So over to you lovelies, can anyone shed some light on what is “proper Dom style?” Do please let me know in the comments!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Elena xx

26 thoughts on “What Is A "Proper Dom"?

  1. You have all the correct answers but you re missing one that seems to slip away for everyone “Being Consistent. ” There has to be a level of it. It just building up the foundation of trust that should be laid first.


    1. Absolutely, but then to a point that could also come under “Responsibility” and “Respect”. If one isn’t being consistent (ie being flippant) then they aren’t being very responsible in the relationship and nor are they being Respectful to their partner. What do you think?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Just different wording but you are right as well. The major point in this taking the Responsibility of said sub. Which in turn a extension on ones self. If you are not taking responsibility of your sub you are not taking responsibility of yourself and then you are not a DOM. You are just a person who is pretending.


      2. Again I think that goes two ways because a submissive also has a responsibility to look after themselves for their Dom. Having been both Dominant and submissive, I know how it feels to have a submissive who is apparently (despite holding down a challenging job that more than demonstrates capability) incapable of looking after themselves, feeding themselves and going to bed at a sensible time. Rules, rituals and protocols are one thing, but as my neighbour would say, a Dominant shouldn’t need to tell his submissive “when to eat, sh*t and breathe”, they should be able to do that as a basic function of being an adult human being- unless part of a very intense scene, of course.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It really does depend on the life still and how much control one is giving to the DOM. But some subs need that, to be completely cared for. Breathing you should do that on your own. Depending on the relationship and how it is works it should have the guidelines laid out.


      4. From personal experience, rarely have I seen that work out well. I’m also a firm believer that BDSM should not replace psychological therapy (for something like depression) so if a submissive wanted to lose that level of control for a prolonged period of time then the first question needs to be why. If it’s just a kink then it’s a matter of whether or not both parties are interested in such a scene (because a Dom has the right to say no, too) but if it comes down to some form of mental health issue then really you owe it to your partner to aid their recovery before engaging in any BDSM activity. It’s also easy to focus on the submissive’s needs, but going back to responsibility, expecting a Dominant to look after their submissive and themselves to such a detailed level is a lot of pressure on them. Unfortunately, as great as though they can be, Dominants are only human.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Dominants have to be more than human…they have to be super human. Yes it sounds like a God complex, yes it sounds like DOMs have are egotistical self-loving assholes when you say that, but we have to. We have to write and enforce our own law or subs will find the smallest loop hole and exploit it. Even saying all that we have to humble ourselves to understand everything you are going through mentally and physically. Yes we are human in our nature but we are have to be super human in being a Dominant.


      6. So do you have to have a High IQ to take care of anything? No, you don’t, you have to have an understanding of what your role is. Do humans have weakness Yes they do, but does that stop us from being super human? No, it shows that there is a will be amazing to take on any challenges. We are here to amazing some think we just a being. But it doesn’t take much to be super.


      7. So how do you define super? Everyone had strengths and weaknesses. What makes one better than another? It’s all a matter of perspective that no human has the right to define.


  2. I agree with your points, but sometimes I think of my Dom as more than human haha. He knows just about everything which helps with our dynamic because most of the time, my mind moves at a million miles a minute and having someone who can still challenge me mentally is really amazing. I find I can’t submit to those who cannot challenge me like that. I end up walking all over them. So far, he’s the only one who has been able to “tame” me and get me to submit fully. But I think that these sort qualities are going to vary depending on the personality of the sub. A Dom with a superhuman brain may not appeal to other subs haha.


    1. Hehe my husband is the only one who can deal with me, too. A lot of people find me intimidating because I’ve studied psychology quite extensively so I do understand when you say you can’t submit to those who can’t tame you. If someone tells me to be good, I just switch off. Like no, I’m not over here telling you to be at least 6’2″ and more muscular, am I? You gotta take me as I am. Can’t handle the heat? Stay out of the kitchen 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was telling someone that if a man only knows how to say, “Rub your bits for me,” or “Let me see,” it’s a turn off for me. A man with no content is no match for me. Pick my brain; show me that you’re worthy of owning my mind. If you can’t do that then I can’t trust handing such a precious thing over. From the start, I told my Dom that I wasn’t some brainless bimbo and I refused to even pretend to be one. Thankfully, we were on the same page about that one. He says that a Dom shouldn’t want to completely change you. He said that a true Dom wouldn’t try to put you in a box and make you conform to labels, but would allow you to still be you. He didn’t want some cookie-cutter version of a sub. I think that’s why he doesn’t mind my sass haha.


      2. Absolutely! My husband always tells me that he doesn’t want me to change, especially when I let these “Doms” get to me and start thinking myself not worthy. I told my husband straight that “good girl” won’t be part of his vocabulary.. though just occasionally he has made it so!


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