Welcome to today’s slightly satirical post where we’ll be answering the question, what exactly is “proper Dom” style? It’s a question that’s been baffling me!
Are you ready? Then let’s get stuck right in!
On Friday, I popped on the anonymous post app, Whisper, to wish everyone in the BDSMfriends group a very happy International Fetish Day. As often happens on Whisper I ended up with a few messages from guys, including one from not too far away.
The more we chatted, the more we got along, or so I thought. The more we chatted, the more we seemed to be on similar wavelengths and we discussed the possibility of meeting up at some point for some drinks and a few games of pool, with the possibility of some playtime with our respective partners, another time. All seemed to go pretty well until he referred to himself as being ‘proper Dom style’, which led me to wonder, what exactly IS “proper Dom” style?
Is it a nice Dom, a kind Dom? Surely the sadists among wouldn’t want to be seen that way?
Perhaps they’re cruel and relentless? Those poor, kind Daddies and Mommies.
What exactly is a proper Dom? In my nearly fourteen years of experience, I’m still clueless as to the definition!
Trusting My Gut
My first indication that something was wrong was , of course, his insistence that he is a ‘proper Dom’. I’ve only ever met a few similar breeds before, the Super Dom and Uber Dom. The breeds are strikingly similar with few variations in between and should be approached with caution. They are disillusioned and unpredictable creatures that believe themselves to be a superior species.
My second warning came when he started the asterisk-action business. Fair play to all roleplayers among, but starting some kinky roleplay without permission (and within less than 24 hours of knowing each other) should have raised some big red flags. When he *gets out the whip* it was time for me to *gets the heck out of here*.
My final indication should have been when he said “why do I feel like your the kind of sub who wakes their Dom with a blowjob after a good session?”. Well, that I may be, but he was a long, long, long way from being even remotely close to Blowjob Territory. The fact that he was talking about blowjobs so soon was the kind of offence for which I normally block and delete, but somehow, he managed to slip the net.
During my shower yesterday, those red flags started falling in. The more I thought about it, and him, the faster they came. For whatever reason, I saw a map in my mind with red, flag-shaped map pins. At first, just one or two came in, the fact that he hadn’t responded and the fact he talked about blowjobs so soon. Then they came faster and faster, the fact he talked about whipping me and the fact that he psychoanalysed me. Eventually, they were relentless. Enough! I didn’t want to play with him!
But that still leaves my ultimate question: What is a proper Dom?!
Part of answering that question came from thinking about all of the Dominants I’ve ever met. What was it about them that made them… well.. Dominant. It was so much more than just a label that they decided for themselves.
So, What Makes A Proper Dom?
Aftern my shower, I sat down with a pen and paper and made a list of eight qualities that I see time and time again in Dominants. Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list, but some of the most common traits that I’ve seen.
For whatever reason, a true Dominant is trustworthy. Whether it’s to be somewhere when they say they will, to organise an activity or to be someone that you can be open and vulnerable with and without fear or judgement, true Dominants demonstrate time and time again that they are trustworthy.
True Dominants don’t lie to create a better image of themselves, or to deceive their partners to get a better deal for themselves. They are honest about who they are, what they have or don’t have and what they can or can’t do, which brings me to my next point…
A true Dominant won’t hide the painful bits from you. They’re real people, with real problems and real sad stories, just like anyone else. In a D/s relationship, a true Dominant won’t hide anything from you. Even if you don’t see each other regularly, you’re still regular people with regular lives. Sometimes being open and honest with each other also helps you to help each other as close friends or partners, regardless of your dynamic.
A true Dominant respects all submissives as people first, always. Even those they own are still treated as regular people outside of sessions. Even within sessions, a true Dominant will always, always stay within the boundaries and knows that a BDSM session is about the submissive’s enjoyment and pleasure, as well as their own.
Willing To Learn
A true Dominant knows that they don’t know everything, but they are willing to learn for the betterment of the relationship. Whether it’s learning their knots, researching rules or finding ideas for that kinky fantasy, a true Dominant knows that they don’t (and can’t) know it all, and there is always something more for them to learn.
Similar to above, a true Dominant does not claim to be anything more than human. They know that they are mortal and imperfect, and that they too will make mistakes. They know that outside the dungeon they are still regular people who normally have superiors in management, and so they don’t carry any form of god complex. In a bizarre way, a little bit of humility is part of what makes even the best Dominants incredibly attractive.
A true Dominant does not take submission lightly. They value the time and commitment of their submissive partners deeply and take the responsibility of caring for them very seriously. If a Dominant is a bit flippant about a submissive’s needs, they might not be a ‘proper Dom’ after all.
A true Dominant knows that no two days are the same, no two submissives are the same and so the outcome won’t always be the same. A true Dom knows when a funishment is warranted and when a punishment is called for. They respect the wants, needs and desires of their submissive and tailor their training to suit them. If a submissive has a low pain threshold, for example, a true Dominant won’t spank them, regardless.
As it was, the air went silent at 1:35am and I’ve had no communication ever since. He hasn’t appeared online at all, which gives me fair reason to suspect that he has probably blocked me, I didn’t think much of it at first, but as the day went on and I’d heard nothing more, I realised that he’d probably had a change of heart. Frustrated but not at all saddened, I hit block and delete myself and then had the Irish cream and Maltesers that he refused me on Saturday then concluded my Sunday by thanking my husband with the messy blowjob that the ‘proper Dom’ wanted – because frankly, in my eyes, it’s only the truly proper Doms that warrant them in the first place.
So over to you lovelies, can anyone shed some light on what is “proper Dom style?” Do please let me know in the comments!
Hugs & kinky cuddles,