Wants, Needs And The Need To Be Wanted in BDSM

Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

In life, we talk about wants and needs. There are the things we need – food, water, shelter and security, and the things we want – a 72″ plasma TV, a Porsche on the drive and a 8-bedroom property.

While these things may be true for us on a basic level, we often develop other wants needs when it comes to BDSM play. Whether we’re Dominant or submissive, we each have our own set of requirements.

Many years ago, when I was a Dominant, I needed a partner who understood that I couldn’t always play. A carer at the time, I needed some down time alone for me, too. I also needed a partner who understood that I was a newcomer, and as such I was still very much learning.

What I wanted, however, was someone fun, someone playful and someone open-minded. I wanted a partner who would push me as much as I would push them, and that was down for becoming my, if you will, rope bunny.

As time has gone on, my wants and needs have changed. Now that it’s me who is the submissive, my wants and needs are entirely different. I need to feel wanted, I need to feel appreciated and I need to feel like I’m valued. I also need to feel like I’m understood, as a human. My wants are, however, something a little more sinister.

Unfortunately, our world is still coming to understand the mindset of those who are into BDSM and as such it can be exceptionally hard to communicate our needs and our wants. Our needs, as human beings, should be the basics and our wants should be logical and material. How or why would we need or want anything else?

One of my most basic needs, as a submissive, is the need to be wanted. If I feel that my Dominant doesn’t want me, then I can’t submit. How can I do anything to please them if they don’t want me? How can I please them if they don’t want to be pleased? It makes no sense.

I believe that this isn’t a phenomenon that only affects submissives, I believe that this something that impacts each and every one of us in this lifestyle. How can a Dominant dominate if a submissive doesn’t want to obey them? They can’t. That’s unconsensual, and therefore abuse.

BDSM relies so heavily on the will of want. The want to own someone, The want to be owned, and the want to surrender control. If you don’t want, then nothing else will work.

This, unfortunately, is something that I’ve struggled to help my husband to understand and this, unfortunately, is the reason behind today’s post.

Sometimes, when it comes to playtime, I notice that my husband seems stressed. Sometimes, he seems so stressed that I offer to cancel our session.

“No, that’s not fair on you” Wolfie will say. Woah!

Not fair on me?! But what about him?

You see, unbeknown to him, what this communicates to me is that he is sort of doing this for me. A kind of going through the motions, if you like. He’s not actually getting anything out of it.

And that hurts.

Something that I need to hash time and time again is that a submissive has a need to feel wanted, we so do, as and for who we are. If the love and care isn’t in it, then it’s all just acting, and that destroys us.

When I started my journey, I never really understood the yin and yang of BDSM, I never understood the power balance or the push and pull, and yet, as I’ve gone deeper and deeper into my journey, more and more of it makes sense. I’ll walk on hot coals if my husband asks me to, but if it means nothing to him then it’s pointless.

I don’t have the answers, I so wish my my heart that I could tell you today “this is that thing, and this is how you fix it”. Unfortunately, my dear lovelies, I don’t have the magic remedy. Even if my husband wants and loves me as his wife, I don’t feel as though sometimes he wants me in BDSM.

All I can say, is keep the door open and communicate. Talk about how important this is for you, share the way you are feeling and negotiate the what’s and when’s’ of play. There’s no quick fix and there may be no magic remedy, but by talking at least, we can help to alleviate some of the pain.

Stay strong and keep smiling!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Elena xx

5 thoughts on “Wants, Needs And The Need To Be Wanted in BDSM

  1. Yes! I don’t want to come off as clingy and needy, but I do need to feel wanted. I think it’s a bit easier for someone who has the other half of their D/s relationship with them. It gets more difficult when your person is far away and you settle for messages on a screen instead. I think it’s a lot harder to express that want through text.

    It’s a bit strange because I’m not like this when I date. Somehow the need the feel wanted by my Dom is amplified. Maybe it’s because I’m addicted to the surrender and most of the guys I’ve dated have been rather vanilla so there was no surrender involved haha.

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    1. Goodness I could never do that! If a guy doesn’t seem like he wants me I get so sassy haha.

      I do understand what you mean about distant relationships though, I’ve had a few and words can get so easily lost in translation. My ex just thought I wanted to be whipped and I was just like “no..”. With my husband, of course, it’s much, much easier to sit down and convey my feelings.

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      1. I think this is why I write poetry. It seems to convey my emotions a lot better than a text. He gets when I’m in a darker mood and when I’m more aroused just by how I write.

        Still, I wish that I could see him face to face. I want to be able to see the lust and desire in his eyes when he looks at me. There’s only so much words can convey…written or spoken. A look, a touch…those can say so much more.

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      2. Oh yes. Considering we started out with just looks, I know exactly what you mean. In fact I think it was those just looks that made me realise he wasn’t like the others hehe.

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