I’ve always been quite strongly opinionated. Determined, head strong and set in my ways. If my mind is made up, it usually stays that way, and there is usually very little room for negotiation. One of those areas in particular is when it comes to my sexual pleasure.
If I’m going to be completely honest with you, reaching orgasm with a partner was always something that I struggled to do. I wasn’t like these women that poured their heart and soul into loudly gushing volumes of fluid, in fact, I wasn’t even one of those who would buck and shiver in orgasmic silence. I could tolerate pleasure, but then I’d become hypersensitive and ashamed. Ashamed of making a mess, afraid of losing control. To avoid the shame and stigma of either adventuality, I’d plain and simply refuse to come.
On my own, it was an entirely different story. I remember the day that I timed myself just for the sake of it, and the fist bump I gave myself when I reached my sexual nirvana in a record-breaking three minutes. Diddling myself off whenever I wanted very much became the norm for a long time and it allowed me to focus on what I needed to do, resolve my stress and get to sleep. I could go about my life and have relationships, and I could sat my sexual urges in between times and for whatever reason that they may be. I had (have) a high sex drive, and I owned it.
I’m ashamed to say that for the first 8 years of my relationship, I faked my orgasms. It was nothing to do with him being bad in bed and everything to do with my reluctance to be completely vulnerable, coupled with not wanting him to think he was actually bad in bed. So that his ego wasn’t bruised and so that I could escape without laying the truth bare, I’d put on an Oscar-worthy performance and make sure his needs were met, then I’d meet my own needs once I got home.
During our friends-with-benefits phase, I met a few Dominant men. Not many, but enough to say that I’d been out there. Anytime orgasm control and orgasm denial was mentioned, I balked. There was no way that I was every going to let anyone take control of what I was already long in control of.
The Orgasm Gap
In our modern society, something that many feminists are aware of is the orgasm gap, the notion (or perhaps saddened reality) that men are simply more likely to have an orgasm during sexual intercourse that women. It’s easy to blame men and say that men are selfish, but sometimes it simply comes down to them being misinformed. Sometimes it also comes down to women who are ashamed to lose complete control with their partner and refuse to come. Shameful, amxious women like me.
Quite quickly, I realised that he was having far more orgasms than me. There were many nights that I’d lie awake, staring at the ceiling. He’d have reached his plateau and I’d be willing my mind not to think about those wonderful feelings. I’d will myself to imagine daisy fields and trees and bunnies hopping through luscious green grass.. and then the bunnies would disappear and I’d imagine how it’d feel to be eaten out in a field at the side of a busy motorway.
I remember the night well. Settled in our post-fire makeshift bed, Wolfie decided he was ‘hungry’. I had to admit, it’d been a while and with the family around during the day, it was a ‘now or never’ kind of moment. I could reach sexual bliss, or potentially wait for all of eternity. I chose Option One, or so I thought.
“Wolf, stop, I’ll come” I urged, he didn’t stop.
That was the first time, and I was so shaken to the core after my first real partnered orgasm that I rolled away from him and insisted that I never wanted to have sex again. I’d lost control, and I wasn’t comfortable with it. An alpha female like me doesn’t like losing control too easily, and having a man take control from me was something rather new.
Moving Forward – A Basic Human Right
For a while, I agreed to give Wolfie complete control of my pleasure. I had to! It was expected of me as his submissive, just something that was expected to do. It kind of worked, until the day I wanted to fuck and he didn’t. I led on the bed and growled into the abyss. All I wanted was an orgasm so that I could think clearly. Now how the hell do I manage?!
Point 5 of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that you have a right to be free of torture, and torture means any uncomfortable experience that you do not consent to at the will of another person, or people. If sexual frustration is causing you physical pain and you do not consent to it, then that, arguably, is a form of torture and you have every right to renegotiate terms if you feel strongly enough. The Hague might not agree to question your partner over your kinky sex sessions, but you can at least throw your Basic Human Rights at your Dominant if you so feel the need to do it!
If you knew me, you’d know that I can be a beast to negotiate with. I am the offspring of two amazingly strong-minded people, who raised me to be an equally strong-minded daughter. Being strong-minded doesn’t mean that I can’t be submissive, it just means to say that I have enough mental will to be able to put forward what I will and won’t agree to, and to back up my points with solid reasons. During a debate, I argued all of the reasons that he should allow me to pleasure myself as and when I wanted. I was taking care of myself, I argued, and I was helping myself focus so that I could get more work done, something else he also expected me to do. After a short pause and an absence of valuable argument on his part, I won. The only condition he put forward, was no touching on date nights – Fridays. I can live with that!
I fully understand why some submissives surrender control of their sexual pleasure, and I fully understand why some Dominants would want them to. I am not here today to tell you that orgasm control is wrong, I’m here today to tell you that you, as a submissive, have every ounce of right to decide whether or not your orgasms are something that you are willing to surrender to someone else, and perhaps more importantly, to whom you are willing to surrender that control. It is your body and your human right to treat it however you choose, don’t let anyone decide your rights for you.
Have fun, together or solo, whatever you decide to do.
Hugs & kinky cuddles,