Why You Should Ignore BDSM “Experts”, As Told By A BDSM “Expert”

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BDSM experts, they’re something which I hear of time and time again and their very existence makes me cringe. What is a BDSM “expert”, and why do I suggest that you ignore them?

When we hear the term “expert”, we immediately imagine someone with degrees or a whole field of knowledge and experience in an area. We believe that this is someone that we should look up to, acknowledge and respect beyond all reasonable doubt. They are, afternall, an “expert” in their field.

But what if I told you, after more than a decade of experience, that I am still nowhere near close to becoming an “expert” in BDSM?

You see, being a BDSM expert would imply that I have a broad range of knowledge or experience in domination, submission, rope bondage, spanking, flogging, wax play, CBT and a whole host of many other things.

What do I really have lots of experience and knowledge in as a Dominant? Safe sex, sensation play and wax play. That’s about it.

If you want advice on contracts, I’d tell you to focus on your relationship an and come up with some rules and agreements that work around you and your partner. If you want my advice on rope bondage and knots, I could advise you on some of my preferred books by people who are knowledgeable in these fields. But even after these 12+ years, I am not a BDSM expert. Even though I am passionate about BDSM and know a bit about many things, I simply don’t know everything.

It really concerns me when I see young men and women, some of them younger than me, proclaiming themselves to be “BDSM experts”. What gives them this “expert” knowledge that others simply don’t have? What gives them the right to proclaim intellect over anybody else in this field?

I feel that I need to point out to you two key areas to consider here:

There are no diplomas and there is no Master nor Sensei in BDSM.

So what, then, does it come down to? Are these “experts” being taught by “experts”? A sort of ouroboros of hand-me-down experience and sometimes shitty opinions of BDSM?

Are these “experts” also the people who appear regularly in GUM clinics because they have hew partners frequently? (Not that I am in any way condoning polyamory or those who get tested regularly, of course!)

Are these “experts” people who have somehow done everything once in the same few short years and decided that they are now experts because they have triedabsolutely everything? (NB. I guarantee they haven’t).

What these so-called “experts” teach is simply their knowledge and experience, exactly the same as me.

If you want me to tell you about my experiences with scratching or biting or tickling, then I will gladly share my knowledge with you and hope that it will inspire you. What I will not do, however, is tell you exactly what you should do, other than basic safety precautions. How hard you bite or where you tickle is all up to you.

When I started out in the BDSM community, I was fortunate enough to speak with a man who gave me one piece of resounding (and damning) advice;

“Don’t listen to the experts, there aren’t any. They can’t have done everything.”

What concerns me the most is some of the perceptions that some of these “experts” give to the newcomers. For example:


1. If you aren’t complacent and obedient, then you aren’t really a submissive.
2. If you aren’t strict, then you’re not being Dominant.
3. No Dominant wants a brat. Brats are bad and undesirable submissives.
4. If you don’t have a contract then it’s not really a BDSM relationship.
5. If you’re an owned submissive, then your orgasms belong to your Dominant. If you don’t agree then you aren’t being a good submissive.
6. If you are a submissive, you should treat all Dominants with respect and superiority, even those who don’t own you.

That’s not to say that all “experts” hold these opinions, but they are definitely some of the most common ones that I have come across.

So what does a BDSM “expert” advise you to do?

In my humble opinion, my best and only advice is to talk and READ. If you are interested in something, Google it, read up on it, find people who have done it and talk to them about their experiences. Gather knowledge and work through it. Don’t rely on the knowledge and experience of one “expert”, depend on the shared knowledge and experiences of many.

Stay safe & have fun!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Helen xxx

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2 thoughts on “Why You Should Ignore BDSM “Experts”, As Told By A BDSM “Expert”

    1. Exactly! Also workshops and classes are invaluable. I used to attend waxplay workshops as I *love* waxplay, but that was the only thing they taught. There is no way that anyone can teach everything in an afternoon!

      Thankyou for your kind words, Minnie 😊