15 Things That Totally Happen In 24/7 BDSM Relationships

Photo by Jasmine Wallace Carter on Pexels.com

Originally published on 15th March 2019

Afer Fifty Shades Freed graced the big screen last year, one of the things that I have I wanted to discuss is some of the things that really happen in 24/7 BSDM relationships. Although these dynamics can look incredibly fun and sexy, there are also lots of bits that aren’t nearly so hot.

I’ve been in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with my husband for more than 10 years now. Below, I want to give you an idea of the things that really happen and why these relationships are so farfetched from some of the ideas we see in the movies.

  1. There is usually a contract, but not always

Quite frequently (though not always) there are contracts in 24/7 BDSM relationships. It is important to note that BDSM contracts are not like product guarantees, they have absolutely zero upstanding in a court of law. Despite their name, BDSM contracts are more about setting out a guideline of what you and your partner agree in your dynamic, such as behaviours, ways of address, safe words etc. They do not actually mean that anyone owns anyone.

2. You may have more than one safe word

I, personally, have three”, and a phrase. Yellow”, for in play, if I want my husband to ease off a little. “Red”, for when things have gone very badly wrong and need to stop. I also have “Burgundy” for social settings if something is making me uncomfortable, though I will usually say something like “I bought myself a new lipstick today, a lovely deep burgundy”. To the outsider, I’ve just been shopping. To my husband, something is causing me distress. Then there is “swimming”. If I ask my husband if he wants to go swimming after work.. well.. let’s just say swimming is less strokes in the water and more strokes of the cane 😉

3. You argue

Being much more real here, but we argue. Not more than other couples, but you do have arguments. It’s important to note here that when arguments happen, your dynamic needs to go on hold, your rules need to be put aside and you need to be able to converge and discuss as a regular, normal couple. Relationship first, kinky stuff second, always.

4.You could have really rough sex, then you Netflix and chill like nothing happened

This happened to us only earlier this week. We both woke up, rampant and rearing to go and ended up making the beast with two backs, Pretty. Damn. Hard. 4 hours later, washed, rested and fed, and we were chilling in the lounge and watching TV like a regular, normal couple. That happens sometimes, and it means nothing less for our dynamic.

5. Sometimes you forget yourself and use the wrong title by mistake

For me, and women like me, this is a very huge fear. As it stands, my husband loves to be called “Daddy” sometimes. Unfortunately, society has a perception that there is something psychologically wrong with the women who do (BTW it’s cool, we probably think you’re boring in bed anyway) and so the fear of saying it where we could be heard and judged is a very real problem for us. When you’re used to calling your partner a name (such as Daddy), it is incredibly difficult to switch back to the more socially acceptable terms, and so the risk of slip-ups is real.

6. There are chores

Unless part of your dynamic states that the submissive partner(s) is responsible for household upkeep, there are chores to be done. Sometimes, okay quite frequently, this involves acting and functioning like a regular couple. The horror!

7. We wear everyday clothes nearly all of the time

So many people condemn Fifty Shades of Grey, and there are so many reasons that I can agree with them. However, one of the things that I could have applauded it for was for demonstrating kinky people in regular clothing, like normal, “vanilla” people. Jeans, shirts, tunic tops, lingerie.. if anyone else can wear it, then a kinkster probably will, too. In fact, the idea that anyone could spend all of their time in leather or latex is really pure fantasy at best.

8. Speaking of, we have regular jobs

Hallelujah! This is something I feel is so grossly misunderstood about the BDSM lifestyle. What you see in movies is fiction. Most of us are out working normal everyday 9-5 jobs. Accountants, lawyers, doctors,nurses, policemen.. you name it. The really interesting thing is, those of us who are in more submissive roles at work (office/telesales workers etc) tend to be more Dominant, and those in more authoritative positions prefer to be submissive. That librarian is possibly a professional dominatrix in her free time and the local chief constable probably likes his ass whacked. Just.. trust me on that.

9. We get invited to family functions and birthday parties

Kinksters are not aliens we get invited to celebrations and parties just like the next person. If you happen to get invited to Aunt Betty’s 70th birthday party, maybe opt for a pretty summer dress and a necklace over latexwear and a spiked collar, lest you give poor Grandpa Joe a heart attack.

10. You laugh

Life without humour is like a life without the sun. If you and your partner can’t laugh, then the chances are good that your dynamic probably won’t last. If I had a pound for every Dominant that I’ve laughed and joked with, I’d probably be able to afford a second hand car by now. BDSM involves making mistakes, and laughing at yourself shows humility. Plus.. sometimes something incredibly funny happens to you or you read something hilarious, and your partner is the first person that you want to share it with. I laugh with my husband probably more than I serve him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect him as my Dominant.

11. You mourn

I feel like it’s very important to add this one after my recent loss. Sometimes, sadly, life throws a curveball and the dynamic just goes down the pan. In times like these, it’s important to realise that your support comes first, and the rules of your dynamic come second. It may be that you may play more, but you may also play less, you may want less pain or you may want more, and you may also cry heavily and unexpectedly or experience a whole host of confusing emotions. In times of grief, know that whatever is right for you is what is right for you in that moment.

12. Your Dom (or sub) is gross

And I mean REALLY gross. I had to rescue my husband from the bathroom on his 30th birthday and he has had to deal with a large cyst on my back which burst without any prior warning. Coughs, colds and gastric flu become common, and sharing them (and the recovery from them) becomes part of the norm. When you live with someone, when you love someone and when you marry someone, you really do marry them “for better or for worse”, snot, vomit and an abundance of tissues included.

13. Sometimes you just don’t feel like playing

Thanks to movies, there seems to be an idea that in these dynamics we are in our respective roles all the time, but nothing could be further from the truth. Stress, tiredness, illness, messy rooms.. there are countless reasons you may not want to do kinky things, and all of them are valid.

14. We don’t all have a dungeon or a “Red Room of Pain”

What does our dungeon look like? Two chains on the bed frame and a couple of boxes on the shelf. Yep, that’s it. Kinky, huh? Lots of people are kinky, very few actually have a spare room or basement that they can turn into a dungeon. Those who do are the lucky ones.

15. You go on dates like a regular couple

“But Helen! Aren’t you supposed to be kinky?!” I know, I know, but it does happen. We go to the zoo, the aquarium, the movies. We go for picnics, we go to pubs for dinner, all of them completely void of any kinky bits, and you know what? We have a perfectly nice time when we do. Our most recent date involved lunch, the science museum and a cheeky pint of cider in Pitcher & Piano. Though now I think about it.. Pitcher & Piano was probably the best part 😉

I hope reading this will give you some insights of how kinky 24/7 dynamics quite frequently aren’t. 24/7 is a bit of a misnomer because we’re not always playing, in fact, it’s usually quite the opposite. The way we love may be a little bit different, but the way we live is still very much the same.

Until next time, stay safe & have fun!

Hugs & kinky cuddles,

Helen xx

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7 thoughts on “15 Things That Totally Happen In 24/7 BDSM Relationships

      1. Munches, family gatherings, outings with friends, anywhere.

        Someone sat near you and offering unsolicited kink advice? You could say to your partner “could you sew if they have any burgundy behind the bar please?”. Of course in that case, burgundy is a type of wine, but also your safe word.

        At a family gathering, “I got myself a nice burgundy matte lipstick today.” To anyone else it’s small talk, but to your partner it let’s them know that there is a problem. Even if family comment on your love for burgundy, you can just pass it off as a favourite colour. They don’t need to know 😉

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